Once upon a time there was a comedian named Bra ... er ... Bert.

He was told by his management and agents and bookeeper and lawn care maintainence specialist and others even less crucial in his life that in order to be a proffessional comedian with a proffessional website and have fans respect and adore him he must actively keep a blog and/or column going at all times, or he will look like a non-professional comedian who doesn't care about his people, and they will turn on him and lash out and send him nasty notes and demand locks of his hair in order to do voodoo and other insidious types of spell-casting so as to make him no longer perform curse-free comedy but to curse at every opportunity – especially in church – until even people with advanced forms of Tourette's will shush him and beg him to "keep it down!".........................

Some even suggested he write a list of new years resolutions when, in fact, the only resolution he is staunch about is to never make resolutions, which means he's caught in a matrix of his own making, but hey, at least I got this column out you bloodsuckers, 'cause Lord knows I have WAY too much time on my hands when I am not writing new books and albums and screenplays and acting in movies ... THERE YOU HAPPY NOW???????........the end

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Brad dispatched this column from Alaska, where he is curently filming his next movie. He is particularly cranky this week. Must be the snow!]