All men at one time or another have fallen asleep in church. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it simply means you aren’t an experienced churchgoer. You can achieve this expertise with some seasoning.

In order to nod off properly though, there are ground rules that must be learned and applied in order to do it professionally. The first rule of thumb is to recognize that falling asleep in church can and should look similar to a spontaneous prayer. Thus when you snap out of it immediately look around and survey your perimeter. If you see someone has noticed you, it is a very easy matter to open your eyes, look squarely at the gawker and softly mutter “amen.” This gets you off the hook while imbuing you with a sense of hyper spirituality that the gazer can only dreamed of. I mean really, if someone is looking around during the service they are just as guilty as you.

Sometimes while napping your head will fall forward in a distinguishable drop that is difficult to disguise. The good news is the nodding wakes you up, at which time it is a simple matter to begin to roll your head back and forth while then rubbing your neck as though you are innocently trying to get the kinks out. Another classic ruse is to reach the apex of the head drop, (usually indicated by your chin hitting your chest) freeze it in this position for a half second more and then abruptly lift your head while nodding towards the preacher, as though you were simply agreeing with his last statement. The only risk here is if it happened during the tithe message which means you may have to drop a little more into the plate just to confirm the ruse that you are an enthusiastic giver.

Once in a while you may have the dreaded “jolt awakening” normally associated with falling asleep in a public place. This consists of you coming to in a spastic shuddering of your whole body, which takes on the similarity of a mini convulsion. Sometimes this can be remedied by hugging yourself with both hands and rubbing briskly disguising the spasm as a chill. Then you simply lean to your wife and say” is it cold in here”? The full body convulsion is by far the most difficult to disguise but is a very real scenario, which can be alleviated by always sitting in the back of the sanctuary on the aisle with your spouse on the inside. This leaves no possibility for someone behind you to catch on and anyone else down your aisle is blocked from view by your wife’s body. It’s the equivalent of setting a pick in basketball.

One other thing, certain denominations can also be a great help in disguising your response. The best-case scenario are those in a “full gospel” or charismatic congregation. As I have noted in other columns, people who are dead are often described as looking asleep. Use this as the ultimate ace up your sleeve. Having fallen asleep and coming too, if you notice you are being watched simply stand up and shout, “Hallelujah, I died and the Lord brought me back!”

Not only will this clear you of the sleep accusation but also now you have a potential book tour, and a special on TBN.

Of course there are also drugs. Coffee is a staple, but that increases your risk of having to pee in the middle of the service and that presents another challenge we can speak of another time. Red Bull (or Christian cocaine as it’s known among praise and worship leaders) is a great alternative, as there is less volume to consume thus lessening the potential potty problem. All in all, you want your church micro-naps to be a pleasurable experience. So I hope this little brief is of service to you, as it has served me throughout the years.

Sleep well my brother, and I’ll see you at another building fundraiser.