Probably the trickiest thing about allegedly being Americas " Conservative and or Christian" comedian , ( moniker placed on me depending on which group the writer hates most ) is the fact that the two aren't necessarily synonomous. In other words Jesus isn't a Republican , and my definition of "conservative" is based on values not political affiliation. That being said , I really am a conservative and I really am a Christian and thats where alot of my comedy voice comes from. So I thought it appropriate to give a little appetizer to my upcoming book , released in March , called " Live from Middle America...rants from a red state comedian". Here is my 2006 New Years Red State Resolutions.

1) Send belated Merry Christmas cards to each member of the ACLU which includes a free Bible. Both funded by government subsidies.

2) When asked at the grocery store whether I prefer paper or plastic , alwys respond... FUR.

3) Prove hypothesis that a pate' made from dolphin , spotted owl , and green house gases ,  actually cures cancer.

4) Invest in a government program creating synthetic spines to be surgically implanted in far left leaning , anti-american , cut and run liberals in order to let them feel what it's like to be a man.

5) Instigate creative way to interrogate terrorist prisoners by giving them complimentary cd"s of Yoko Ono singing " Give Peace a Chance". trust me ..they'll talk.

6) Assure liberals who don't believe in eavesdropping on terrorists not to worry about it ever being used on them considering they have nothing of value worth hearing.

7) Send the 9th circuit court on an all expenses paid 2 year vacation to North korea where they can see their rulings being played out in real time.

8) Congratulate Howard Dean for his unanimous selection to the Tennessee hog callers hall of fame.

9) When ordering coffee a Starbucks always refer to a large cup as a "large" considering this is America and I shouldn't have to learn Italian in order to order a stinking cup of coffee.

10) Explain to evolutionists that if they teach our kids they come from animals..then they shouldn't complain when they act like them.

11) Convince radical PETA vegans that plants are living too and so must be treated like humans , thus causing them to have to start a new trend of only living off of air.

12) Give atheists their own national holiday that celebrates..uhh..NOTHING! Of course all the good days are already taken but I believe April 15 is still available.

13) Find someone who believes being politically correct is GOOD. Then explain that means they believe those who don't are wrong which makes them..insensitive , intolerant and it hurts our feelings.Then watch the fun as they are forced to sue themselves.

14) Discourage illegal immigration simply by changing the border signs from " Welcome to the United states" to " Welcome to France".

and lastly 15) Diligently seek to find common ground , mutual respect , and the ability to work side by side with liberals to make this a stronger more unified country. If that doesn't work..TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Happy New Year all!