I come from a different age. Sure things may be “safer” nowadays, but they are definitely less enjoyable. Today’s kids have grown up in an age of paranoia. When I was growing up one of the things that passed for fun was lying out in the sun. We actually used the phrase “I’m gonna go layout.” This was a time where sun products were designed to enhance and enable the suns power, not fear it. This was a time where we wore sun-TAN lotion as opposed to sun-SCREEN lotion.

Suntan lotion’s purpose was to demonstrate you actually were IN the ...   more »

Funerals are creepy. You heard me, they are spooky and strange and unnerving. This seems like heresy coming from a believer in the God who conquered death, don’t ya think?

Not so fast my speck-plucking friend. If you’re honest you have to agree that funerals are scary primarily because they start off in a funeral home. Funeral homes in that Victorian motif with the strange hearses in front of the building and the back doors that bring in the dead C’MON!

Walking into a funeral parlor is always a bit awkward and tentative for me as well because I never ...   more »

I don’t think people take Hell very seriously anymore. We used to. As a matter of fact it was one of the reasons why people were nicer years ago because they didn’t want to go to Hell. That was a curse word; literally to tell someone to go to Hell was bad. Why not? You are condemning someone to an eternal existence in a place where your flesh is being burned off your skull while demons are constantly poking your butt with pitchforks. Face it, it would suck.

Now "Hell" is apparently a positive word. We even compare places to ...   more »

What is a martyr? I always thought of it as something I would rather avoid, but if it happened to happen to me, it would look good on my eternal resume. In this age though of Islamic fanatics murdering innocents in the name of martyrdom, I thought it expedient to draw some specific distinctions.

A Christian martyr, for example, dies so someone else can either live or know the truth about life. t’s the celebration of life by being willing to die for life, usually someone else’s, that is its beauty. It’s giving yourself away so others live.

In other ...   more »

Having been married 17 years, I am shocked and amazed that I lasted as long as I did without having a wife. Being married to a woman teaches you just how much you don’t know about life, living and survival in the real world. If you don’t believe me, just ask her. Actually that is the first thing a woman teaches you, you can’t go on any longer under the delusion that survival is possible without her insight.

There are things I never knew about myself that are now crystal clear. For example, before I got married I actually had ...   more »

How many times have you considered the “purpose” of marriage? That’s right, the purpose. For thousands of years we as a human race have gotten married for one reason only, to have children.

Though children can be created without marriage the purpose of marriage was the guarantee that they would be raised and nurtured by one woman and one man. Not only is that the ONLY combination that can create children, it is the only combination that guarantees that the child from day one will be nurtured in the ways of life by a female and male perspective.

Each gender ...   more »

The tricky thing I have found in writing my column these many months is people read it sometimes as though I am speaking as a representative of some formal church organization. I am not. I am speaking as a comedian.

True enough I have opinions and concepts that I believe to be true but I am going to use humor, sarcasm, satire and politically incorrect phraseology to deliver the message. That is what I do and is why sometimes I believe people miss the point when they read my column.

Unfortunately when it comes to the “liberal” mindset it is ...   more »

Last week I began to discuss how people from different points of view engage each other. In this case I am speaking of Christians of course but it is irrelevant, as all people seem to adopt the same strategies. My first recommendation was to never respond to anonymous comments. This is the height of cowardice since anonymous means you don’t have to back your ideas with facts or reason.

But this brings up a more important point at this time. The whole concept we are exploring here really boils down to this; as “Christians” we are essentially “little christ’s”. We ...   more »

“If a book be false in its facts, disprove them; if false in its reasoning, refute it. But for God’s sake, let us freely hear both sides if we choose.”
Thomas Jefferson

I have a horrible confession to make. I rarely read columns on New Christian Voices. First off because I write for the site so it seems rather narcissistic, and second because I can barely make it through my own column without wondering how I ever thought I knew what I was doing.

I have been a stand-up comic for 20 years now. The last ten have been devoted ...   more »

I was talking to a liberal Christian friend of mine (god love em) the other day. We got to talking about gay people somehow mainly because he always brings it up. I have a special affinity to the gay group just for your information because I have had a lot of encounters with them.

My first cousin died of aids back in the early nineties and I really liked him a lot and miss him. I also lost my brother in law to aids about a year ago. He was one of these miracle cases that contracted HIV in the ...   more »

I signed a few autographs at a show the other day, and it occurred to me that it's a bizarre ritual. Fellow humans want you to sign your name and give it to them as a remembrance of the encounter. I have never asked fans for their autograph in return, but they want mine anyway. Perhaps to document that I actually exist outside a DVD? It’s a keepsake that proves:

a) I’m not illiterate, and

b) They are willing to humble themselves and ask for a piece of me to take home.

One wonders if there is any criterion that ...   more »

I went to the doctor the other day because my wife said there was a spot on my nose and I should have him look at it. Wives, after all these years, are still incredibly naïve when it comes to male health. The first rule of thumb is always “if there is something on your body that appears unusual, the more you ignore it, the better chance it has of healing itself.”

Putting off healthcare is a man’s solemn duty, for we always have the internal strength to will sickness and disease away. It is our birthright. To disregard something ...   more »

I can’t keep up with technology. What with Facebook, iPod, Twitter, iPhone, blah, blah, blah. I’m still an archaic fan of books. That’s right, I’m a bookman. The idea of perceiving abstract shapes in the form of letters, bringing them into my mind and ferreting out the meaning of this abstraction is what made the former “books only” generation so much more intellectually grounded than this “modern” breed.

Ask a kid under 16 if he reads books, and the response is likely, “Books? Books, oh yeah. I read about books on the Internet.” Don’t get me wrong; I am pro ...   more »

Liberals cuss…a lot! Cussing to a liberal doesn’t represent crassness or crudeness. How could it? To be crass and crude means one is kowtowing to a puritanical backward way of seeing culture. Liberals don’t believe in the Bible, they believe in “A” bible though.
The Constitution represents the liberal’s omnipotent scriptures. Don’t believe me? Liberal thought is what created the concept that the Constitution is a “living” document.

Words that are “alive”, sound familiar Christian? We believe the Bible to be God breathed revelation to humanity. The Word even became flesh and dwelt among us.
The Bible contains life and ...   more »

Who knew it would take an enlightened 21st century to determine that your specific gender isn’t specific? You simply decide what you are and voila, you are! It’s that easy! Well that and a little pesky detail known as genital mutilation and reconstruction but don’t let me be the one turning the hose on this exciting new “me” created by a scalpel and a psychological disorder.

The PC 10 commandments first decree is that what we desire instantly becomes our “right”. I am getting a little testy though with this “gender is whatever you decide you are” mentality that is ...   more »

My son is 12 and now knows all the details about sex. The timing as to when this conversation needed to begin was thrust upon us by accident when he was ten and we were watching a show on giraffes.

For some odd reason I never equated the correlation between sex and giraffes as a topic that would come up anywhere outside of the bay area in California. My bad, apparently since soon enough into the show a pregnant giraffe started birthing her baby while walking around. For those not familiar with the birthing process of a twenty-foot high creature ...   more »

I just spent the last 10 days in southern California because if there is one thing I can’t get enough of its pretentiousness. No matter how worldly and self-indulgent I am at times (as in, I can’t count that high) I am reconciled to the fact that I am, after all, a sinner saved by grace. The good news is I can always count on SoCal to help assuage some of my self-debasement at failing God’s desire for my conformity to His will.

How? Because in SoCal, when it comes to pride and narcissism, even I can suddenly find myself ...   more »

I am a sexist. But I’m a sexist in the best sense of the word. If sexist meant I believed men were inherently better than women it would be a negative concept. But that is not what I mean. To me sexist is acknowledging and living by what used to be the age-old common sense concept that there are indeed some things men are better at than women, and vice-versa.

Since I’m not a woman I am not going to comment on where women are better than men since they already know that answer and if you don’t believe me, ...   more »

Barak Obama made it very clear during his campaign that he wanted to restore admiration for the U.S. amongst nations around the world. Already within one week in office he succeeded! He signed legislation that lifts the ban on U.S. federal funds going to abortions in other nations. Hooray!!

Yes folks if anything earns respect from secular humanist nations it is the subsidizing of infanticide for all who desire it! What pride must waft through the corridors of the new administration then to realize that nobody and I mean nobody can kill babies like they can! I‘m not even attacking ...   more »

My son is twelve years old. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of raising a twelve year old, it’s really quite simple. Your only role for the most part is to keep him from killing himself. Meanwhile, he’ll be climbing anything he can find and searching for creative ways to break stuff. It’s also important to realize he’s fully convinced that he’s invincible, which is the name of the game while being a boy.

Being a former boy myself, none of this bothers me, nor do I fret over it. My job as a dad is to ...   more »

On Feb 17, the US government has mandated a shift from analog television broadcasts to digital. Digital is better in its clarity and sound as well as the amount of programming it will offer. Most Americans will be unaware and/or unaffected by the change. If you have cable, satellite or phone-company TV you will continue to receive broadcasts but those with rabbit ears or a roof-top antenna need a converter box.

Obama’s talking about a moratorium on the switchover because, according to one of his top aides the “most vulnerable Americans” may not have the money or the information to ...   more »

It snowed last night. Snow is a curse. Snow is evil. Snow is what happens when the atmosphere solidifies and falls on your head. Snow is Chicken Little’s justification. Snow falls from the heavens and smothers the earth. It is cold, wet, and slippery.

There is no upside to walking in snow. It gets in your shoes and up your pant legs.
Its main purpose on cement is to disguise the ice. Ice is snows evil twin. Those foolish enough to walk out in snow are sure to get too cocky and believe that walking from your front door to ...   more »

Nothing says failure like a New Years resolution! I mean has anyone ever come to the end of a whole year, paused to look back and was able to say, “Yep, I accomplished every goal I set for 08. I conquered every bad habit I despised and yes, I am a completely transformed person. Come one and all and learn from me”. No! Never!

The idea of making a new years resolution has become a punch line. We live in a culture though that no longer expects or demands us to discipline ourselves but instead would rely on psychologists and ...   more »

Well men Christmas is just 2 days away and if you’re like me you still haven’t finished your shopping. Nothing is more nerve racking and perfect at sucking the life out of the holiday season than the pressure of trying to figure out those last minute perfect gifts for your wife.
Here are a few suggestions for presents for the spouse that should help make Christmas day a huge hit at your house.

1) A flat screen plasma T.V. ; The great thing about flat screens is they are on the wall and off the old conventional television nooks that ...   more »

I came across a classic Christmas song the other day and after examining the words I have come to realize how easily humans accept ideas at face value without scrutinizing them for philosophical and/or cultural flaws. The song I’m referring to of course is “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.
Here are the lyrics with my copious notes:

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer”…
Stop! First off, why bring up the red nose? If you have a red-nosed reindeer it is fairly obvious and social decorum would dictate you keep it to yourself to save the reindeer’s embarrassment. We don’t treat others that way ...   more »

The atheist idiot ideology is at it again. Apparently taking umbrage with a 19-year tradition of putting a nativity scene and Christmas tree on the lawn of the Washington state capitol they responded with a placard denouncing Christianity as a fairytale and also state that many of the Christmas traditions like choosing Dec 25 and decorating trees was stolen from the pagans.

Only an atheist could be self deluded enough to believe insulting a religion they don’t believe in by sticking up for a religion they don’t believe in could be considered rational.
Reason after all is the god of ...   more »

During this Thanksgiving Holiday I believe it is important to take a moment to thank God for the little things that often get ignored or neglected in our hectic lives. Lots of football will be watched over Thanksgiving for example, which reminds us to take time and say a little prayer thanking God for commercials. Why commercials you ask?

Thus proving my point that we as Americans often neglect to realize the crucial theological principle that what Satan meant for evil God uses for our good.
Commercials were first implemented in the 50”s I believe when T.V. was in its ...   more »

During this Thanksgiving Holiday I believe it is important to take a moment to thank God for the little things that often get ignored or neglected in our hectic lives. Lots of football will be watched over Thanksgiving for example, which reminds us to take time and say a little prayer thanking God for commercials. Why commercials you ask? Thus proving my point that we as Americans often neglect to realize the crucial theological principle that what Satan meant for evil God uses for our good.
Commercials were first implemented in the 50”s I believe when T.V. was in its ...   more »

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When Adam and Eve fell from grace after eating from the tree of good and evil, one of the “evil” things they came to realize was they were naked.
I don’t know exactly why being naked with your wife while being the only humans on earth would be considered evil?
It seems to me it should have been considered exactly how it felt prior to the apple…GOOD!

I can’t speak for women, but for a man to get to wander around outside nude surrounded by beautiful trees and sky and, oh yeah, a naked lady, would still be paradise in ...   more »