In all my many years on Earth I can’t begin to count the times I have bitten my tongue.

Everyone has experienced this annoyance, and every time I do it makes me wonder if this is one of God’s great practical jokes?

Being God and all-powerful, when He finally got around to creating worshipers, it probably made sense to make them somewhat entertaining. Being Omniscient he also must have anticipated our rebellion and so worked in the funny stuff as retribution for what was coming. Biting your tongue being one of these.

How do we know? Because the tongue was ...   more »

I write this on a Monday, which makes me wonder how many of us actually know the meanings of the days of the week?

Monday is an ancient Gallic word Mun-dean where we get the word “mundane”. Monday being the start of the workweek is dreaded and a reminder of the beginning of another difficult struggle to survive. We associate Monday with “blue” and drudgery hence the name.

Tuesday is from an Anglo-Saxon word deucedey or two (where we modernized to “Tues”-day. It represents the second day of the week or a double dose of mundane or Monday squared.

Wednesday ...   more »

I like lazy words. Lazy words are words created to either save you the time of using too many syllables while speaking or to blame something else for your mistake.

Probably my favorite lazy word is “OOPS.” This is a word only used when we drop something, spill something or make a mistake, usually a big one.

When I set something down and it drops to the floor ... oops gets a call. Oops in that instance is blaming gravity for the mistake.

Oops it fell, don’t blame me, blame gravity.

That’s what oops stands for; it's an acronym for ...   more »

"Boys will be boys." -1909

"Boys will need Ridlin." -2009

"A stitch in time saves nine."-1909

"Aren't a dozen socks a $1.99 at Walmart?" -2009

"A penny saved is a penny earned."-1909

"Good news, Visa extended our credit limit!" -2009

"Children should be seen and not heard." -1909

"Children will be texting and not talking." -2009

"Don't count your chickens until they've -1909
hatched."

"Buy now, pay later."- 2009

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." -1909

"...well, that and nuclear holocaust." -2009

"When life gives you lemons make lemonade." -1909

"When life hands you lemons, sue somebody!" -2009

...   more »

What’s so funny about deaf people?

In one of my earlier DVDs "Tolerate This" I speak of desiring a country where we can laugh at deaf people again. But what do I mean by that?

I have been around a number of deaf people in my life, and one of the things I noticed was a sense of confidence they all seemed to posses. Confidence that could almost be perceived as cocky.

What I came to realize was that so many of us "un-handicapped" often suffer from a sense of pity for the handicapped, based on our apparent superiority to ...   more »

I am writing this week’s column while sitting in a window seat of a CRJ 200 shuttle. Designed for shorter flights that save the airlines money on fuel and to service a smaller volume of passengers. In other words, it’s caca.

I survey my surroundings in this all too familiar traveling accomodation that I have grown accustomed too because of the mere fact that I have no options since the Star Trek transporter technology still seems to be years away.

At this moment I am gobbling up a bag of peanuts that they actually offered free of charge! Apparently they ...   more »

My name is Brad Stine. To my friends I am simply referred to as Brad. Anyone else can refer to me as Sir, Your Majesty, Your Eminence, or any number of titles befitting my exalted position as professional laugh-master and future has-been.

In reality I don’t care how an adult refers to me, BUT I do have a problem with what kids call me. To anyone younger than me, and who hasn’t been given different instructions, shut up and listen close. My name is, and always will be, Mr. Stine.

Are you listening, all you politically correct, oversensitive, let’s lower ...   more »

There was a protest last week by women who felt that the law that only allows men to walk around in public with their shirts off is sexist. The protest consisted of women holding placards while topless to get their message across. Have you noticed how often women protesters use their naked bodies to draw attention to their cause in the hopes of getting their points across? (No pun intended.)

PETA has used ads showing naked women in cages denouncing the plight of caged animals. It usually comes with some inspired message like, “I would rather be naked than wear ...   more »

I guess I never really understood the underlying “witness” to displaying the symbol. I think of all the things I can’t do, or shouldn’t, based on the fact that I am trumpeting to the world every time I get in my car that I “AM A CHRISTIAN!!!YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I CAN PROVE IT? CHECK OUT MY FISH!!!”…. “You’ll have to look quick though cause I’m speeding.”

Not that there is anything wrong with wanting to display your allegiance to your faith I suppose, but does it have to come with the cheese factor? Anytime a religious symbol becomes ...   more »

All men at one time or another have fallen asleep in church. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it simply means you aren’t an experienced churchgoer. You can achieve this expertise with some seasoning.

In order to nod off properly though, there are ground rules that must be learned and applied in order to do it professionally. The first rule of thumb is to recognize that falling asleep in church can and should look similar to a spontaneous prayer. Thus when you snap out of it immediately look around and survey your perimeter. If you see someone has noticed ...   more »

Children aren’t born with manners. No, they have to learn them. In every area of life, from how to play nice with each other, how not to hit, or even how to eat in front of others.

At the dinner table untrained children burp and talk with their mouth full. That’s why it is incumbent on adults to teach them the ways of polite society. Those of us adults who still believe in common cultural courtesy have to model good behavior for them. Unfortunately this seems to apply to many adults as well as children.

I’ve come to realize that, ...   more »

I’ve learned something quite revealing and disturbing about myself in recent times. I have a real problem loving people I disagree with. I suppose that isn’t much of a revolutionary concept in the end. I am sure everyone born with the same affliction I have (being human) are in the same boat. The problem is that as a believer in Christ I am not given the option of hating people.

One of my few positive traits though is I have always been real good at introspection and trying to look at myself for who I really am. When I began ...   more »

Just finished shopping at Publix here in Nashville. Publix is a grocery store that is way over priced, but its worth it because they taught all their employees to fake that they care you’re there. As I was leaving I had no fewer than four employees tell me to have a nice day on the way out.

I have often wondered how one goes about having a nice day. What even constitutes a nice day in the first place? I mean how hard is it? I suppose not getting electrocuted would define a nice day to some, but what about ...   more »

A group of midgets has decided they want the word "midget" banned from public airwaves. They find the word offensive. Problem? I don’t see one, so now what?

To be a group that suddenly decides a word is offensive makes that group more important than everyone else, and more important than free speech. Because I am such an advocate for the death of political correctness, it is my duty to expose this foolishness.

We need a consensus from now on, where we as a democratic society get to vote on whether a word is offensive or not. If the majority ...   more »

Where did we ever come up with the romantic notion that the best way to die is in our sleep?

First things first, when it comes to dying, there really isn’t a “good” way to go. Why? Because you’re dead!

Dying in your sleep, I believe, has a lot of potential pitfalls. The first being if you die in your sleep, when do you first realize your dead? At least in a car accident you can see it coming! You scream throw up your hands, have your life pass before your eyes, and enter into the death place knowing how ...   more »

I come from a different age. Sure things may be “safer” nowadays, but they are definitely less enjoyable. Today’s kids have grown up in an age of paranoia. When I was growing up one of the things that passed for fun was lying out in the sun. We actually used the phrase “I’m gonna go layout.” This was a time where sun products were designed to enhance and enable the suns power, not fear it. This was a time where we wore sun-TAN lotion as opposed to sun-SCREEN lotion.

Suntan lotion’s purpose was to demonstrate you actually were IN the ...   more »

Funerals are creepy. You heard me, they are spooky and strange and unnerving. This seems like heresy coming from a believer in the God who conquered death, don’t ya think?

Not so fast my speck-plucking friend. If you’re honest you have to agree that funerals are scary primarily because they start off in a funeral home. Funeral homes in that Victorian motif with the strange hearses in front of the building and the back doors that bring in the dead C’MON!

Walking into a funeral parlor is always a bit awkward and tentative for me as well because I never ...   more »

I don’t think people take Hell very seriously anymore. We used to. As a matter of fact it was one of the reasons why people were nicer years ago because they didn’t want to go to Hell. That was a curse word; literally to tell someone to go to Hell was bad. Why not? You are condemning someone to an eternal existence in a place where your flesh is being burned off your skull while demons are constantly poking your butt with pitchforks. Face it, it would suck.

Now "Hell" is apparently a positive word. We even compare places to ...   more »

What is a martyr? I always thought of it as something I would rather avoid, but if it happened to happen to me, it would look good on my eternal resume. In this age though of Islamic fanatics murdering innocents in the name of martyrdom, I thought it expedient to draw some specific distinctions.

A Christian martyr, for example, dies so someone else can either live or know the truth about life. t’s the celebration of life by being willing to die for life, usually someone else’s, that is its beauty. It’s giving yourself away so others live.

In other ...   more »

Having been married 17 years, I am shocked and amazed that I lasted as long as I did without having a wife. Being married to a woman teaches you just how much you don’t know about life, living and survival in the real world. If you don’t believe me, just ask her. Actually that is the first thing a woman teaches you, you can’t go on any longer under the delusion that survival is possible without her insight.

There are things I never knew about myself that are now crystal clear. For example, before I got married I actually had ...   more »

How many times have you considered the “purpose” of marriage? That’s right, the purpose. For thousands of years we as a human race have gotten married for one reason only, to have children.

Though children can be created without marriage the purpose of marriage was the guarantee that they would be raised and nurtured by one woman and one man. Not only is that the ONLY combination that can create children, it is the only combination that guarantees that the child from day one will be nurtured in the ways of life by a female and male perspective.

Each gender ...   more »

The tricky thing I have found in writing my column these many months is people read it sometimes as though I am speaking as a representative of some formal church organization. I am not. I am speaking as a comedian.

True enough I have opinions and concepts that I believe to be true but I am going to use humor, sarcasm, satire and politically incorrect phraseology to deliver the message. That is what I do and is why sometimes I believe people miss the point when they read my column.

Unfortunately when it comes to the “liberal” mindset it is ...   more »

Last week I began to discuss how people from different points of view engage each other. In this case I am speaking of Christians of course but it is irrelevant, as all people seem to adopt the same strategies. My first recommendation was to never respond to anonymous comments. This is the height of cowardice since anonymous means you don’t have to back your ideas with facts or reason.

But this brings up a more important point at this time. The whole concept we are exploring here really boils down to this; as “Christians” we are essentially “little christ’s”. We ...   more »

“If a book be false in its facts, disprove them; if false in its reasoning, refute it. But for God’s sake, let us freely hear both sides if we choose.”
Thomas Jefferson

I have a horrible confession to make. I rarely read columns on New Christian Voices. First off because I write for the site so it seems rather narcissistic, and second because I can barely make it through my own column without wondering how I ever thought I knew what I was doing.

I have been a stand-up comic for 20 years now. The last ten have been devoted ...   more »

I was talking to a liberal Christian friend of mine (god love em) the other day. We got to talking about gay people somehow mainly because he always brings it up. I have a special affinity to the gay group just for your information because I have had a lot of encounters with them.

My first cousin died of aids back in the early nineties and I really liked him a lot and miss him. I also lost my brother in law to aids about a year ago. He was one of these miracle cases that contracted HIV in the ...   more »

I signed a few autographs at a show the other day, and it occurred to me that it's a bizarre ritual. Fellow humans want you to sign your name and give it to them as a remembrance of the encounter. I have never asked fans for their autograph in return, but they want mine anyway. Perhaps to document that I actually exist outside a DVD? It’s a keepsake that proves:

a) I’m not illiterate, and

b) They are willing to humble themselves and ask for a piece of me to take home.

One wonders if there is any criterion that ...   more »

I went to the doctor the other day because my wife said there was a spot on my nose and I should have him look at it. Wives, after all these years, are still incredibly naïve when it comes to male health. The first rule of thumb is always “if there is something on your body that appears unusual, the more you ignore it, the better chance it has of healing itself.”

Putting off healthcare is a man’s solemn duty, for we always have the internal strength to will sickness and disease away. It is our birthright. To disregard something ...   more »

I can’t keep up with technology. What with Facebook, iPod, Twitter, iPhone, blah, blah, blah. I’m still an archaic fan of books. That’s right, I’m a bookman. The idea of perceiving abstract shapes in the form of letters, bringing them into my mind and ferreting out the meaning of this abstraction is what made the former “books only” generation so much more intellectually grounded than this “modern” breed.

Ask a kid under 16 if he reads books, and the response is likely, “Books? Books, oh yeah. I read about books on the Internet.” Don’t get me wrong; I am pro ...   more »

Liberals cuss…a lot! Cussing to a liberal doesn’t represent crassness or crudeness. How could it? To be crass and crude means one is kowtowing to a puritanical backward way of seeing culture. Liberals don’t believe in the Bible, they believe in “A” bible though.
The Constitution represents the liberal’s omnipotent scriptures. Don’t believe me? Liberal thought is what created the concept that the Constitution is a “living” document.

Words that are “alive”, sound familiar Christian? We believe the Bible to be God breathed revelation to humanity. The Word even became flesh and dwelt among us.
The Bible contains life and ...   more »

Who knew it would take an enlightened 21st century to determine that your specific gender isn’t specific? You simply decide what you are and voila, you are! It’s that easy! Well that and a little pesky detail known as genital mutilation and reconstruction but don’t let me be the one turning the hose on this exciting new “me” created by a scalpel and a psychological disorder.

The PC 10 commandments first decree is that what we desire instantly becomes our “right”. I am getting a little testy though with this “gender is whatever you decide you are” mentality that is ...   more »